Advice on BDSM from Tamar Kay

From Robin's SM-201 Website
Jump to navigation Jump to search

The information on this page has been retrieved from an Archived web page

This information may or may not be correct and/or up to date

Coming Out and Getting In

Wisdom from Tamar Kay

For some it's no big deal to attend that first group meeting of "alternative" or "kinky" people. For others it's more than a bit terrifying. If it's a hard step, it's also a brave one. Standing up for yourself in a world that often doesn't understand or approve isn't easy. But if you're here at RCDC, you should be proud of that step. So now you're probably wondering: what next?

Maybe you'd like to make some friends, get some hands-on education, or maybe even find a partner. Maybe you've heard rumors about other get-togethers. Private ones. Maybe you get the feeling that you're sort of on the outside looking in. How do you get in? What's the password?

Groups that support alternative and BDSM interests vary a lot. Some, like RCDC, very enthusiastically welcome newcomers. Others are harder to locate. Some groups are formal, some not. While most people in the BDSM community are warm and friendly, they are also understandably cautious about newcomers. People in the community may be hesitant to open up and trust you until they know you better.

And that's a good thing, really, though it might not seem that way to you when you're new. It's that very caution that protects you as you become a more trusted member of the community. So how do you start the process of becoming better known and more trusted?

Here are some recommendations.

  • Always be courteous. It doesn't matter what your kink or orientation is, you should always be polite and thoughtful. Don't pressure, don't push, and be responsible for your words and actions.
  • Keep the identities of those you meet at meetings confidential. This means that you should be circumspect about saying where you know them from, and even careful about using their name since many people use alternate names. Not everyone is out to the world to the same degree. Some people have jobs and families to protect, while others are happy to have their photos in the paper along with a description of their kink. If you don't know, don't risk it.
  • Get involved. Show up at events every chance you get. Volunteer to help out whenever you can. We're always short- handed, and volunteering is a good way to learn how things work and get to know people.
  • Learn the community culture. This includes various sets of traditions and expectations that are somewhat unique to the BDSM community. There are a number of ways to get this information. Take classes, attend educational seminars, go to as many meetings as you can. Read books. Ask for references and you'll get them.
  • Be patient. Don't expect people to give you what you want. Instead, try to find out what you can offer others, what you can offer your group and the community. Remember that good trust can take time to earn.

And when you have questions, ask. Ask more than once, get different opinions, and think about them. Remember that everyone had a day when they were the newcomer. Everyone had to once walk through a door for the first time.

And everyone should be proud.

Welcome to the community.

Safe, Sane, and Consensual

by Tamar Kay

You will often hear it said that the first and most important rule in B&D-S/M is that all things we do with each other must be safe, sane, and consensual. What does this mean? Ask any set of experienced players and you'll get a different set of answers. Here's mine.

Safe

"Safe" means that we take care of each other as best we can, that no matter how we want our scenes, however gentle or rough, we do them in ways that do not injure our partners. "Safe" means that we take the dangers of sexually transmitted diseases seriously and use our best efforts to minimize those dangers.

What can you do? Educate yourself. Learn as much as you can so that you can do safe scenes. That means read books, take classes, and ask others about specific techniques that interest you. Want to learn to use a cane? Ask an expert. Want to swing a flogger? Practice first on a pillow.

Whether you're driving a car or tying somebody up, safety should always come first. It's especially important to not let your desire rule your good sense, so think about the specifics of your scenes outside of the scene. "Don't think with your groin."

Sane

Power exchange is about trust -- trust that the person who has the power in a scene will use it responsibly. If you are the Top then it is up to you to use the power your Bottom has granted you in a respectful and sane way. Your Bottom has given you a gift of trust, and you are honor-bound to repay it with good judgment.

If as the Top you are so involved in your scene that you can't make good judgments, then you are not in control of yourself, and you have no business being in control of someone else. Sanity is about control, and self-control comes first.

Consensual

Everything that happens in a scene between people must be acceptable to all concerned. If you aren't sure that your partner has consented -- has said 'yes' -- then you need to talk until you are sure.

The best way to get to 'yes' is to make sure that 'no' is an equally acceptable answer. This holds true in every situation, whether asking someone for a phone number or negotiating a scene. The less pressure you apply, the more likely that a 'yes' will come and will be a sincere answer.

It's dangerous to play with someone who has said 'yes' for the wrong reasons. You can quickly end up in a situation that is neither safe, sane, nor consensual. To protect against this, refrain from pressuring anyone, and if you feel you are being pressured, set limits and stand by them. You should always feel free to say 'no.' Consensual means that you are sceneing because you want to, with someone who wants to, that everyone involved is willing to go ahead with the scene. If you are in the least bit unsure, stop and talk.

The time to clarify consent is before a scene, not after.

Unsafe Players

There are no entrance exams to pass to get into the community and personal judgments vary. Anyone who has been around for more than a little while has likely heard about someone who is reputed to be unsafe, emotionally unstable, or who doesn't respect limits. You should take these warnings seriously, but remember that such judgments are necessarily subjective. Get second and third opinions if you can.

And if you find yourself in the position of wanting to warn others about a player you feel is unsafe, be as objective as you can, and give facts whenever possible.

Let's take care of each other.

The "C" Word and the "B" word

by Tamar Kay

"C" is for "Community," a word that many of us believe can, and should, mean more than our shared interests and occasional gatherings.

I would like to believe community means respect for each other, for the courage it takes to be who we are, and to live the way we are called to live. Respect for those who do not share our kinks. Respect, even, for those we don't like.

"B" is for "battle."

There are times to question another's actions, times to object to what someone has said or done. There are times to take friends aside and tell them that what they said maybe didn't come out the way they meant it to. There are times to talk about what someone has done -- as factually as possible -- in order to try to save someone else from getting hurt.

There are even times to complain about individuals and groups, to say how much better things would have gone if only we had been in charge.

And then there are times when discretion is the better part of valor. Times to turn from harsh words to respectful silence. This community is like an extended family, and as much as we might wish, not everyone in the family acts the way we want them to. At the family reunion little Bobby draws on the walls, grandma thinks it's cute, and Aunt Sally screams at them both. We don't always get along and it's likely we won't. But we can try. At this family reunion, would you stand in front of the family and yell out that grandma is a stupid old woman, or that Bobby is a worthless child?

Is the issue, whatever it is, worth that much pain? Is it worth starting a battle?

Maybe, and maybe not. A battle can last a long time. Ask yourself if it might not be easier to solve the problem yourself, one-on-one, instead of drawing lines and involving others. Ask yourself if a community this small can afford to splinter into bitter, resentful camps. Ask yourself if you could do it another way.

When you stand on stage, you represent our community. In those moments think carefully about what you say and do because your actions speak for all of us. Whether you're leading a march, teaching a class, giving a demonstration, or simply being yourself in a public place, you represent us. If you treat the community with honor and respect, it will treat you similarly.

We all make mistakes. I have some advice for you if you do: say so and let it go. If someone else does, say so -- as kindly as you can -- and let it go. Let's all work toward living more in the present than in the past.

Maybe you think this article doesn't apply to you, and maybe you're right. But things sometimes sneak up on us when we least expect them.

I ask a few moments of your time. I ask you to think about what I've said here, about how you can put more of yourself into the "C" word and less into the "B" word.

This is our community. It is what we make of it. Respect begets respect.

All You Need to Know

by Tamar Kay

You walk into the monthly meeting or party. Someone gives you a look, then whispers to a person nearby. You tense, then relax as you overhear them say something like: "What I wouldn't give to play with her. She's supposed to be incredible."

You may have to watch your ego, but those are problems you want to have. If you're serious about being a good player, whether top, bottom or switch, you want to be wanted. You'll need experience, of course, but how else do you, as a relative newcomer, get from where you are to being the sort of partner that people (or the right person) will seek out (and whisper nice things about?)

All you need to know is -- well, everything.

Unfortunately, I can't tell you what I think you should know in a few hundred words a month in this monthly newsletter. Even if I had thousands of words a day, and could offer private lessons too, it would be only this woman's opinion. What you need to do is to learn from many sources, and think about and practice what you learn.

I'm going to suggest some written resources here that I find valuable or that others have recommended to me. Ill tell you where I think you can get them (although there are no doubt other places, too. Its not a sacred list, its just my list.

So check 'em out. Study. Get good at your craft, be honest and considerate, and you'll get those looks and whispers. SM101, by Jay Wiseman. Even at $25.00, this book is a great deal, and is considered by many to be the best single reference around. It goes over all the basics, yet is worth reading no matter what your level of experience. (Available at Spartacus and through JT Toys catalog.)

  • DIFFERENT LOVING by Gloria and William Brame. This is a survey of different aspects of d/s, with a gentle approach and personal essays in each section. If you're not sure of where your interests lie, this book can be a great help. (Available at the Crimson Phoenix.)
  • THE HISTORY OF THE ROD by (the Reverend) William M. Cooper. The author of this turn-of-the-century history wants it known that this is "neither for the prurient nor the prudish." If you think that BDSM is a recent development, think again. This history travels from convent to bedroom and includes drawings. (I found my copy at Powell's, but that was a long time ago, and the book appears to be out of print. Check your favorite used bookstore. isbn 1-85326-918-2) JT Toys {now Jt's Stockroom} - send $2 for catalog (worth it) -- 4649 1/2 Russell Ave, LA CA 90027 -- 1-800-755-8697 -- friendly and helpful.
(NB: Over the years, The History of The Rod has been reprinted several times. You will have better luck searching for its alternate title Flagellation and the Flagellants or by its isbn number 1853269182. It is available in hard-cover from Aazon for $29.95.)

This month I'll address a couple of questions that I was recently asked. If you have questions or issues that you'd like me to explore, please write to me, anonymously if you wish.

Standard disclaimer: this is only my opinion. Consider what I say and see if it makes sense to you, but remember that some answers work for some people and not for others. You must ultimately do what you feel is right for you.

Q: When I meet someone I think might be kinky, how much is okay to say? What's reasonable to ask? How do I make sure that I don't give offense?

Much depends on where and how you meet such a person. For example, if it happens to be a co-worker (depending on where you work), even if he or she dresses in leather and chains and sports a whip on Fridays, you may want to be circumspect before asking questions that will give away your own level of interest.

If you're at RCDC or some other kinky event, it's reasonable to assume some level of interest on the other person's part -- at least a desire to explore. If you are polite, there's nothing wrong with asking someone what his or her interests are.

Of course, such a discussion may be too personal for some (while others may talk your ears off), so you should always gracefully accept a reluctance to discuss such things. Be especially sensitive to newcomers, who may not know what's expected of them. Make sure that they do not feel compelled to go beyond their limits in discussing their interests. It is the responsibility of the more experienced community members to make sure that newcomers are as comfortable as possible.

If you're in a coffee shop and that leather-clad nymph at the other table has you so curious you can't help yourself, try asking about the cause of your suspicion. Sometimes the direct approach works: "nice handcuffs. Ever use them?" Or: "I recognize your leather pride pin. Are you active in the community?"

Remember that the traditional symbols of our community -- collars, chains, leathers, handcuffs, piercings -- have become very popular as fashion items among people who have little or no interest in power exchange or SM. Always be polite and friendly, and be careful of asking questions you're not willing to answer.

Q: I'm going to a play party for the first time. Everyone keeps telling me that I'm not expected to actually do anything. Why do they keep reassuring me? Should I be worried?

If it's a good "play" or dungeon party, given by a responsible member of the community, you have nothing to worry about. Many parties have a "no play the first time" policy that is intended to give you a chance to get familiar with that particular dungeon's rules and atmosphere.

As for the reassurances, lots of newcomers are understandably nervous before their first dungeon party. No matter how much you know, what books you've read, or what you've heard, the first time is the first time, and it can be nerve-wracking, as it was for me. At my first party I felt terribly awkward. Only after I met friendly folks did I begin to relax. Remember that a few kind words can go a long way toward easing a newcomer's fears.

It takes time to assimilate a new culture. If you're new, take that time. Listen and watch. If you have questions, ask them. The basic rules for dungeon parties usually include these: watch scenes from a respectful distance, never intrude in someone else's scene, and don't touch anything -- or anyone -- that isn't yours. Every dungeon varies slightly, so study the rules you're given carefully.


Copyright (c) Tamar Kay 1995. Permission granted to reprint this article in its entirety with byline. (A copy of the publication would be appreciated.) Tamar Kay may be contacted via RCDC[Note 2], PO Box 1370, Clackamas, OR 97015.

Notes

  1. ↑ https://www.scribd.com/document/566447760/Learning-the-Ropes-Race-Bannon
  2. ↑ Rose City Discussion Club
Chain-09.png
Jump to: Main Page • Micropedia • Macropedia • Icons • Time Line • History • Life Lessons • Links • Help
Chat rooms • What links here • Copyright info • Contact information • Category:Root
Retrieved from "http://www.sm-201.org/a/index.php?title=Advice_on_BDSM_from_Tamar_Kay&oldid=78727"