How to Meet Others

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There is a lot of discussion about dominance and submission. This article is being written as a primer and not an authoritative, end-all encyclopedia.

This section of this workbook is subtitled; “How to Meet Others”.

Advertising and “Location, location, location”

Looking at all of the reports on sexuality produced over the years (starting with the Kinsey Reports of the '50s) it is reported over and over that one in five American adults are interested in “kinky sex”. This would appear to mean that if you know 15 people, three of you are interested in something other than “Vanilla Sex”. The only problem now is to deduce who the other two are and what they are interested in. Or, to put it in mechanical shop terms, there are at least two other nuts and your task is to determine if they are right hand or left-hand thread, their internal size, and whether they are metric, Whitworth, American pipe or SAE standard. In might also be helpful to determine if a washer will be needed.

Many years ago, at one of my workshops entitled “How to Meet Others”, one of the attendees asked me what I thought about placing an ad in one of the local adult newspapers, “The Spectator”. I asked him what kind of lady was looking for, and he replied, “A nineteen or twenty-year-old female, submissive and athletic; someone I can train to be to a perfect slave girl for me.” I responded, “You expect a nineteen-year-old virgin to walk into an adult bookstore, by a copy of the newspaper, and after looking all of the ads over, she will call you, move in with you, and live happily ever after. I think your reality check just bounced.” I suggested that perhaps he would have better luck if he were to join the local health club or attending “walk-a-thons” to find someone athletic. In talking to her, he might be lucky enough to convince her to have dinner with him. After many such outings, he may earn her trust enough to have ever accepted an invitation to spend a night with him.

Several years ago, when AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases were not as prevalent, I used to joke that a person should not have sex with someone unless you know their Social Security number. A few weeks later, a professional dominatrix in San Francisco inquired about having her Social Security number printed on her business cards after hearing this. I suggested she had perhaps missed the point.

It is important where you advertise, but it is more important that you advertise in a meaningful way. I remember several years ago when a group of friends and I went to dinner at a local restaurant. As part of my dinner order, I requested a cup of coffee. The waitress, a cute young thing with a “smiley” voice, brought my coffee and placed it on the far side of the table with the handle pointed away from me. I pointed to the collar locked around the neck of the young lady sitting next to me and said, “I am glad that you did that and not L” (Name being withheld to protect the innocent). When the waitress asked why I responded that I was very tired and did not feel like giving L. a spanking for poor service this evening. A few nights later, I stopped at the same restaurant and a different waitress was handling my table. About mid-way through dinner, my waitress went on break, to be replaced by the waitress from a few nights earlier. She approached my table, grabbed my coffee cup, and moved it to the far side of the table with the handle pointing away from me. She said nothing, smiled a smile of playfulness over her shoulder and walked away. A few minutes later, she returned and placed a small piece of paper that had been folded on the table. When I reached for it, she stood there with a smile; her hands clasped behind her back, and said only, “Tonight?” Opening the note, I saw that she had written her address and phone number. I apologized, and told her that I had already made plans for that evening, but would be more than willing to meet her the following evening at a local cocktail lounge. She agreed. I suggested that she wear special clothing, the kind that would allow me to easily spank her. I won't go into details here, but I will say it was a very sexy outfit. She had anticipated my requests and had left her panties at home.

Every good hunter knows that you cannot bag a ten-point buck with a twenty-pound monofilament fishing line, and you cannot buy shoes at Baskin Robbins. If you were to walk into it Baskin Robbins and ask for a root beer float, the person behind the counter will do everything in the power (short of paying for it) to ensure that you get a root beer float. To the contrary, they do not sell shoes. If you asked to buy a pair of high heels with six-inch heels made of red leather, the counter person will probably not be able to help you. If by some miracle, the person behind the counter is wearing said shoes, you probably still will not be able to buy them unless you're willing to pay an exorbitant amount of money. Even then, unless the counter person is willing to sell them to you, you will still leave the store without the shoes. The lesson here is to realize that before you go hunting; you should first decide what it is that you’re hunting for. Once the decision is made, you need to ask yourself where that type of “game” might be found, and what kind of bait is needed.

These are very important thoughts when it comes to finding the right mate for you. Most people, generally, find work that they are comfortable performing. A submissive lady would find a job in the service industry like waitressing or nursing to be much more fulfilling than a job as a manager of a hotel. A dominant lady, conversely, would be much more comfortable in a job that would allow her to take control. You should not generalize. Do not think that just because a person has a particular job that is indicative of being dominant or submissive. Never, never make assumptions. It is possible that her father owns the business or that the work she is doing is purely a part-time job.

Worth reading: [ Assumptions ]

During the past 45 years, the one thing that I have discovered is that the majority of the women that I have become involved with have been due to an introduction by a mutual friend. Any recommendations that will be made are based upon the information you have given your friends, verbally as well as by actions. Unless your friends know that you are looking, and what you looking for, their introductions believe a lot to be desired. If you spend your entire or adult life hiding your interests, how do your friends know what you are looking for? You rely on your friends to make introductions. When you bought your last car, was it based upon an ad in the newspaper or based upon a recommendation by someone you know. It was seen that we go out of our way to ask our friends for input on buying a new refrigerator or a new lawnmower, and yet we refused to ask for help when it comes to meeting a person that we could, potentially, spend the rest of our lives with. It seems strange that we spend days and weeks researching the pros and cons of an appliance that has a life-cycle of fewer than ten years, and yet we are willing to get married based upon first impressions.

Shortly after Susan and I met, she went to work for me at BackDrop. She was working the front desk when a young man that she had met previously (even before she met me) walked into the club for an event. He was astonished seeing her there and asked, “Why didn't you tell me you're interested in being submissive. We could have had lots of fun together!” She responded, “I'm the submissive and you're dominant. You should have taken the lead.”

I can remember, even as a child, my father telling me that the work that I did at home was mine, and mine alone. I would never have to worry about anyone breaking into our home and doing my work for me. I have found is to be absolutely true. People will look over your shoulder and, seeing that your desk is filled with work, they will not volunteer to do it for you. If you do not ask someone to help you, trust me, they will not volunteer. At the same time, everyone will wait for you to get things moving. Unless you make the first move, nothing will get accomplished. That lesson is probably what got me started on my path to becoming a Master.

I cannot tell you the number of times that I hear someone tell me met this person or that person has gone to dozens of parties and that they feel they have struck out over and over again. When I ask them if they found their last employer at the local golf course, the answer, “Of course not. I would not dream of disturbing a potential employer any place except to place of work.” And yet, they will to go to a party (with music playing at over a hundred dB) and expect to find a lifetime mate based upon what she is wearing that evening. Somehow, the thought of asking her if she is wearing that “Michelle Pfeiffer catsuit” because she lost a bet with her girlfriends never seems to cross their minds. Perhaps she is attending the party, not to find a mate, but to merely see what it would feel like to wear a pair of spiked heels on the street. She had tried it at home, but the heels kept sinking into the grass in her backyard. She could not think of a single place except this party where she would get away with it without being picked up on the street as a hooker by the police.

There are many ways to bring up the idea of dominant and submissive behavior. In almost every movie and television program today, someone, somehow, will play kinky games, get kidnapped, or get arrested. It is at this point, you playfully suggest that you could have acted as Director and made the program more life-like. We both know that she will immediately ask you to prove your point. She has just opened a door big enough to drive a tandem-trailer, an eighteen-wheel truck through. It is your patriotic duty to uphold the dignity of all men and prove the point.

Let's look at the other side of the coin. Let's say that you are a submissive male and you're looking for a Mistress. I cannot tell you the number of times that I have heard this tale of woe. In a lot of ways, this is one of the easiest things to do. It takes some forethought and a little planning. On your first date, you set an imaginary timer that would give you an alert after fifteen days. The first fourteen days, you do everything in your power to act as an English gentleman. You bring her flowers. You hold the door for her when she enters or leaves any building or automobile. On the fifteenth day, you intentionally “accidentally forget” to open the door for her. You immediately beg her forgiveness and suggest that you need more training and that perhaps she might help you to become more obedient.

There are numerous ways of letting your partner know what you are interested in. Unless your mate knows what they are looking for, how will they know what you are looking for?

See also Meeting Others of Like Interest , Meeting a new Dominant and/or How do I get my Partner involved?


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